There's one thing worse than being alone...
Wishing you were.
Meteorologist's daughter - Haley
I didn't say it was your fault... I said I was going to blame you...
If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I'd be talking to you.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always...
Steam Shovel Operator's son - Doug
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive & said "I haven't eaten anything in 4 days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
Hair Stylist's son - Bob
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Always remember you're unique - Just like everyone else.
Homeopathic doctor's son - Herb
My mind works like lightening. One brilliant flash & it's gone.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
I was thinking... Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Just for today, I will not sit in my livingroom all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Justice of the peace's daughter - Mary
Don't sweat the petty things & don't pet the sweaty things...
Today I will gladly share my experience & advise, for there are no sweeter words than, "I told you so."
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Hangover - The wrath of grapes.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Sound technician's son - Mike
The competition at a local dog show was quite Ruff.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman... Before marriage & after marriage.
California smog test... Can UCLA?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in 2 people remembering the same thing...
Hot-dog vender's son - Frank
A robber broke into a police station & stole all the toilet seats & the police didn't have anything to go on.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once & the seat folded up.
Income Tax: Capital Punishment.
God gave you 2 ears & 1 mouth. So you should listen twice as much as you talk.
Gambler's daughter - Bette
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Catscan - Searching for kitty.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
God made us sisters.
Prozac made us friends.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue...
A husband is someone who takes out the trash & gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took 2 people to carry $10 worth of groceries. Today, a 5 year old can do it.
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
How is it possible to have a Civil War?
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. A woman must do what he can't.
A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest & there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
An apology is a good way to have the last word.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young & stupid.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have a 'S' in it?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
The fact that no-one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorroids' instead of 'assteroids'?
Remember... Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Q: How do crazy people walk through the forrest?
A: They take the Psycho Path.
Life is like a mirror.
We get the best results when we smile at it!
Painter's son - Art.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It is better to have nothing to do than to be doing nothing.
Lawyer's daughter - Sue
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
If the blackbox flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made out of that stuff?
Thief's son - Rob
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I'm having an out of money experience.
You cannot leave footprints in the sands of time while sitting down.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good...
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Lawyer's son - Will
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
To know how to refuse is as important as to know how to consent.
Just remember... Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're a creep.
If you spin an oriental man in a circle 3 times, does he become disoriented?
Doctor's son - Bill
Gentle words fall lightly, but have a great weight.
Well, butter my butt & call me a biscuit!
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.
A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard.
To belittle is to be little.
Peace comes not from the absence of conflict, but from the ability to cope with
On the surface, nothing changes. At the same time, absolutely everything does.
We can no longer afford to throw away even one ‘unimportant’ day by not noticing
the wonder of it all.
If I planted some birdseed and a bird came up, what would I feed it?
I think I had amnesia once... or twice.
Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I was just thinking, protons have mass. I didn't even know they were
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I guess I believed them.
If you teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I suppose everyone has discovered that a flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time I was here, either.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Have you noticed that the cost of living hasn't affected its popularity?
Ever wonder how can there be self-help "groups"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
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