The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
How come there aren't "B" batteries?
Don't squat with your spurs on...
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
Never miss a good chance to shut-up!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom???
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
DUMB WAITER - One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
I have a man I could never trust.
He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Man's way leads to a hopeless end. God's way leads to an endless hope!
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
Iron Worker's son - Rusty
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!
My 40 year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for 2 1/2 years.
He must be Crazy!
Chickens: The only creatures we eat before they are born & after they are dead.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good!
I was married to Bill for 3 months & I didn't know he drank till one night he came home sober!
He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Movie Star's son - Oscar
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you lost.
He who angers you, controls you.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up & dye.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
Ever stop to think, & forget to start again?
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends & is now growing in the middle.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away & you have their shoes.
Exercise daily... Walk with the Lord!
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Do your best & then sleep in peace. God is awake.
Barber's son - Harry
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
To be in your childrens memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, & when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything & said it would never happen again.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... Couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it so they gave me the ax. I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but I discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true!
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like...night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Persons who spend half their time worrying how a child will turn out,
and the rest of the time wondering when a child will turn in.
One of our responsibilities as parents
is to become independent of our children.
The most important thing that parents can teach their children
is how to get along without them.
There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children.
One of these is roots; the other, wings.
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
Are you wrinkled with burden?
Come to church for a faith lift.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
Exercise Daily - Walk with the Lord.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
He who angers you controls you.
It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
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