REFLECTIONS ON LIFE
"Whispers" by Josephine Wall.
Used with permission.
I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either...
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.
It empties today of its strength.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover...
But she can never catch him at it.
Obstacles are what you see when you lose sight of your goal.
The teacher wanted to explain the harmful effects of alcohol to her class.
She filled one glass with water and another with whiskey.
She dropped a worm into the glass of water & removed it unharmed a few moments later.
Then she dropped the worm into the glass of whiskey.
The worm immediately curled into a ball & died.
She turned to the class & asked "What lesson did you learn from the experiment?"
Johnny quickly said, "If you drink whiskey, you won't have worms."
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
"Trouble is part of life and if you don't share it,
you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough"
-Dinah Shore
I like men to behave like men. Strong & childish.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back & realize they were the big things.
Give a man a free hand & he'll run it all over you. ~ Mae West
I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself...
"Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ~ and then marry him. ~ Cher
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
-Lin Yutang
What's the difference between a man & ET?
ET phoned home.
Am I getting smart with you?
How would you know?
The great question ~ which I have not been able to answer ~ is ~
"What does a woman want?" ~ Sigmund Freud
A fool and his money are soon partying.
I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury. ~ George Burns
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
My reality check bounced...
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
They live in a beautiful little apartment overlooking the rent.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she says...
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations.
We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
A married man can do anything he likes if his wife doesn't mind.
On the keyboard of life
always keep one finger on the escape key.
I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard? They say the milkman has made love to every woman on this road except one."
And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
Though it's important that people know you, it's more important if they think you are worth knowing.
Husband: How come you never tell me when you enjoy sex?
Wife: Because you're never home.
I don't suffer from stress.
I'm a carrier.
Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her.
I've discovered that I always have choices...
and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude...
I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here...
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people...
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
When he is late for dinner & I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead...
"The Poet--
who bends words, images, meter, and meaning to his will,
in order to create art out of 'thin air' --
is more than a mortal human being:
he is someone with special privileges and responsibilities,
and whether he realizes it,
access to magic.
Yet the art is not really his:
it comes from somewhere else,
and he is only its vessel,
its vehicle,
its servant.
Somehow in contact with this 'other side,' he is in effect,
an oracle,
conveying the truth contained within his art.
Belonging fully to neither world,
the Poet must walk the boundary between them,
bridging the two.
His poetry is a form of communication with the beyond;
his destiny is to perform this service for mankind."
There is so little difference between husbands, you might as well keep the first one.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up & fight.
Phyllis Diller
It is not your environment it is you--
The quality of your minds, the integrity of your souls and the determination of your will that will decide your future and shape your lives.
-Benjamin E. Mays
Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful! ~ Mae West
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
"You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres
The best way to hold a man is in your arms. ~ Mae West
"There are two ways for spreading light:
To be the candle or the mirror that reflects it"
-Edith Wharton
The biggest cause of divorce is marriage.
If you try to fail, and suceed, which have you done?
Trust your husband.
Adore your husband.
And get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
"A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam.
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel lucky to have seen it."
-unknown
The greatest oak was once a tiny nut that held its ground.
Falling doesn't make you a failure, staying down does.
Heal another's heart & in the process you will heal your own.
Any dream worth having is a dream worth fighting for.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.
Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?
Sometimes it seemed that way.
"Hope? Lemme tell ya something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope... hope can drive a man insane."
-"Shawshank Redemption"
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it!
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything.
-William Dean Howells
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
"Think how much happier women would be if,
instead of endlessly fretting about what the males in their lives are thinking,
they could relax,
secure in the knowledge that the correct answer is:
very little."
--Dave Barry
"Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today."
-unknown
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it.
I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
"Ain't no use trying to outrun your troubles, can't nobody run that far"
-sign in Disney's ride "Splash Mountain"
"There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth.
From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one.
Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine.
And, dying, it rises above its own agony to outcarol the lark and the nightingale.
One superlative song, existence the price.
But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles.
For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain....
Or so says the legend."
"The Thorn Birds" by Colleen McCullough
Practical people would be more practical
if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
- J. P. McEvoy
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
buttering up his teacher?
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.
It goes on.
-Robert Frost
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
"One out of every four people in this world is mentally unstable.
Think of your three best friends.
If they seem normal, you're the one."
--- Ann Landers
"The world meets nobody half way.
If you want something you gotta take it.
You gotta do what's best for you always."
-Sylvester Stallone
"Never fear shadows.
They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby."
-Ruth E. Renkel
"There is no problem so big that you can't run away from it."
-Illusions by Richard Bach
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.
"Here is my secret," said the fox to the little prince, "a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
-"The Little Prince"
Life is like an onion;
you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
-Carl Sandburg
Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again,
skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.
~ unknown
Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands,
but let it go and you learn at once how big and precious it is --
Maksim Gorky.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
There are millions of others.
I know this, because I encounter them on the Internet, which is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives."
We don't care.
We have each other, on the Internet.
"Geek pride", that is our motto.
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain- rotting drivel on TV ("Dave's World," Monday nights, CBS, check your local listings), we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and -- yes -- shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings.
--Dave Barry
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